Love Can Never Be The Same

Do you wonder how people say that they love something or someone at one point in their life and the next they don’t even care? In regards to humans, they say the term ‘true love’ but is it something that really exists? What exactly is ‘true love’ and where does the commitment part come? And what about the non-living things, does love exist for them too? There have been so many questions raised on such topics and none of them seem to have been be answered aptly. I mean we all subconsciously look for something in every answer or solution and until we find what we are looking for, we continue searching for it. We humans are complicated beings, not because our system is intricate but rather, we are known to make the simplest of things tangled, and when it becomes complex, we say, life is such, or that its not easy. Well, nothing might be easy but nothing is that cumbersome even. In this context, the way we did not like how ‘love’ was defined, or rather, no so defined, we came up with the term ‘true love’.

To be honest, I feel using this term is like one of those immature, illogical argument that we all used to do as a child. “Mom, I want more cookies because they help me poop”, or let’s say throwing a hissy fit because the restaurant they wanted to go was closed for the day, or “I don’t want to wash my hands because then they get wet”, or yet another example would be, “I get pocket money on Sunday so why is everyday not a Sunday?” You can’t do anything about these non-sensical talks, and you can’t even argue back. The least you can do is try making them understand how and why they are wrong, and if they still don’t get it, you let them be. You leave them to understand things when they would be mature enough, even if it’s a little bit late for their age. That’s what you do and it’s the same thing in love.

You say you love tomatoes or mango or go karting or hiking or winters or summers or anything else. After a few years, some choices remain same, some change. Personally for me, I used to love bananas in my childhood, to the extent that I would eat as many as I can find. And now, I don’t like it at all, not even for a taste. Same way, I used to love summers too, and I still love it the same, if not more. So, we can see that in stationary things, it changes; our choices, our love for those things are dependent on our age, experience and situations. It does not have a proper rule which is supposed to be followed. And we are okay with that, we do not consider it as abnormal or irresponsible or bad. Then why do we consider falling in love multiple times with humans as unacceptable?

Now, let me make this clear to you. I am not talking about people being with multiple people at the same time or lying to them or cheating on them, no. I am talking about the situations where its frowned upon when you fall in love one after the other even though you have been single when it happened. Let me give you an example – a guy, lets name him Finch, is with a girl named Lina. Now, Finch and Lina have been together for years and then they break up. Now Finch is single again, and likes any other girl Carrie and they are together for a couple of years. Later on, something else happens and he ends up single again. This time he falls in love with a Kate and they marry after being together for a few months. A few years later, Kate wanted a divorce as they grew out of love. So, after the divorce Finch would probably move on to some other girl named Linda. Now, my point is, if someone knows Finch then they would either say that his luck was not good, or that he is not stable and doesn’t have a good character as he can’t stay with a girl for long. Since when have we started defining love and character with the number of people in our lives? And since when it became a rule that you can only have so many people in life altogether?

There’s no proper answer to this. No one knows exactly why or when it all became a norm. So, now it has become like an industry standard that you have to achieve if you want to pass the product (in this case, person) in the market (in this case, society). If you fail to achieve those standards then the product would not be welcomed, and if you achieve more than those standards, then you will be criticized until one can make sense of what you did and why.

My question is that instead of going after the standard, why don’t we go after our happiness without thinking too much. The only thing we need to care about is that we are not hurting others in this process. Rest, we must be free to do all that we want. Because then, love won’t have to be a mark that you need to attain. It won’t have to be similar or boring or monotonous for everyone. In truth, love can never be the same. It depends on how you and your partner is with each other. Its different for every single relationship, every single friendship and every single person. The difference is not just in portraying how you feel, its also in how you actually feel. You can’t feel the exact same emotion repeatedly for every person who enters into your life. A few things here and there may be similar but overall, it’s a totally different experience every time, like chalk and cheese, you can’t compare your previous with your next, because the comparison will not take you anywhere. You would say ‘this is true love’ but in reality, love is the purest of all. There is no other adjective required. Either there is love, or there is not. Its nothing less, nothing more. It is there constantly until you outgrow it. Some people may never outlive it, and some people do sooner. But that does not make the emotion any less or more. Its not the time or duration that counts, its the intensity of emotion. The terminologies may change but the emotion does not. People think that stability is a part of love, but no. It’s a requirement of a relationship, not of love. If you want to stay committed to one person for a long time, you can do it with trust, loyalty, support, understanding and stability, even if love is not a part of the equation. So, you can say that you need many attributes for a successful companionship, but not for crazy feeling of Love.

©passionbookworm

Two Lovers

“Ugh, this is so tiring! I told him that I did not want to come but he just never listens, he always wants things to go his way”, and then I heard low sobbing from her side, low in noise but she was crying a river. Probably I won’t need water for some time! Eventually she stopped, with occasional sounds of stuffy nose and trying to control the rest of her tears. Then those eyes would well up again and the whole process would repeat with exact same noises and a moan of emotional pain here and there. I looked at her wondering what happened to make a girl so beautiful so sad. Yes, she was beautiful, she had this cute button nose, soft pink lips and round doe eyes shining hazel with a few golden specs. Now you must be thinking how I had noticed while she was crying, well I saw her when she arrived here, and when you come to my age, you become more observant.

She stopped her crying after a while and just sat down here, leaning on me and staring across the town. I didn’t like seeing her sad for some reason. It felt as if I was undergoing the same thing even though I didn’t know what it was. I felt helpless as I couldn’t do anything apart from just standing and watching her. She must have sat there for probably an hour or two, or maybe four, I’m not sure, I lost track of time. But she was humming some song that must be popular these days. I couldn’t understand the words but somehow the tune went with the mood – melancholic and serene at the same time. I stood there listening to her for as long as I remember.

It was almost sunset then. The big ball of fire turning deep orange with twilight hues of purple, pink, peach and red, with blue sky above. It was magnificent, it was timeless, it was enchanting, the most beautiful scene I had ever witnessed. Now, I have seen a lot of sunsets, almost every day unless there are clouds surrounding the sun, making it difficult to look at; and even after having seen them for almost all my life, I still love them. They symbolize beauty, romance, spirituality and serenity. This was like every other sunset, yet so beautiful. I looked at her from the side, the golden and pink tinges giving a beautiful color to her face, making it look even more radiant. Her hazel eyes shining golden were transfixed at the scene ahead and her expressions were calm, as if she had made peace with herself, put everything behind and looking forward to a new hope; as if like the day ended, she had put an end to her problems too; as if she had finally decided what she wanted to do and found a solution to it.

It was refreshing seeing her somehow; when you come to my age, you have already seen most of it, so much so that it gets boring sometimes. But then, there are times like these – noticing different kinds of people, trying to understand what is going on in their mind, looking at the hypnotic sunset everyday coalescing with ground, eyes getting fixated on the azure sky, birds flying freely, wooing each other, flirting with the wind and enjoying the freedom, making out the countless stars and constellations in the dark night sky, allowing us to dream hope and wish for things, just appreciating the wonder of nature and how it is all so astounding – times like these are the best. I feel lucky to be able to provide a shadow, a support, a tranquillity to everyone who craves for it. It is great to have that power of giving, of serving, of being someone who can be of help in any way possible.

Suddenly I heard a voice from distance, “Miri, Miri…. Where are you?” It was a male voice, probably her friend, special friend; trust me when I say I have an idea because I have seen so many people, lovers, couples, friends, siblings, so many of them interact with each other. I have noticed their behavior and how it changes by relation. Sometimes I feel how weird and complicated these beings are, I mean we do not have these many defined relations or gender or any other determining factors. I mean the only difference between us would be the type – the kind of fruit we give birth to, and that is named by them too. “Miri, I’m sorry, please forgive me. Miri! I love you. Sweetheart please, where are you?” I heard his voice again, breaking my chain of thought. I looked at her, Miri, a sweet name if I say so myself. It seemed like she didn’t yet hear his voice. But again, the voice was coming from a great distance and at my age, you become a very good listener. So, I waited to see the scene unfold. After around five minutes, a young lad came, looking frantically for someone, for Miri and as soon as he saw her, he literally ran all the way and hugged her. It was quite obvious he loved her and was worried where she had been. I saw her freezing in shock for a second but then she hugged him back with the same intensity. Hmmmm young love.

I remember falling in love too. Of course it is different when you don’t have legs and hands and we don’t have too many genders too. She used to stand opposite me and we would both stare at each other all day long. We would hum to the tune of wind and support each other during storm. We would smile each other as we undress and wear new leaves when the season comes. We would give birth to different fruits but we would always be there, for years. She was petite, a little chubby and cute, shorter than me with small leaves and cute fruits – I think they call it peach, and they call me mango. We were there like that for a few years, swaying together to the wind and rain while stealing touches every now and then; suddenly she was gone one day, her time was up. I was left all alone and began enhancing my skills – listening, observing, grasping, understanding, empathizing, being selfless, etc. – to be my age, you need to have them.

Suddenly out of the corner of my bark, I saw them leaving, arm in arm, her head on his shoulder. Damn, I missed all the drama! Anyways, they looked sorted, happy even. Seeing people happy made me feel content too. I smiled and looked above, a zillion and more stars twinkling upon the town, illuminating the whole place. Half-moon peaking from behind a single cloud as if making sure it was fine for it to come out. It had already been 200 years, I had become old and didn’t feel much energy these days. Half of my leaves had already fell down, the other half dried and dead. When you come to my age, you know when it is your time. And it was mine now. I took one last breath and fell into deep slumber, a content smile on my face as I felt the gentle breeze for one last time.

©passionbookworm

An Open Letter After a Long Time

To You,

With whom I intend to spend every second of every lifetime,

I haven’t written for far too long as you already know, so forgive me if this comes as too amateurish or perhaps, childish but the intentions I would like to make clear. You already know how I feel about you or how deep of an emotion you arise in me, but that’s not just it. It becomes so overwhelming, so much more emotional that I don’t know at times how to feel, what to feel, and from where to start. Its all blur, there’s no beginning or the end, its all just there, like a lump in my throat, stuck somewhere in between, not knowing how to move forward; can’t push it down, can’t pull it up. It is like a guitar hung on your wall, only you have never even heard the name of the instrument let alone play it. It is like wanting to live more and yet risking your life by sitting on the last rock down the shore during a heavy hurricane. It is like feeling a hell of a lot more without making any sense of it until that is the only emotion left in your heart. Overwhelming becomes an understatement then, because it’s a huge wave of emotions, so strong that you can’t swim out of it, however best of a swimmer you are. It’s the force of nature, the one that you can’t fight because that is how it is meant to be, that is how you are meant to be. Never a win, always a loss, yet you feel like you are on top of the world, like you don’t need anything else in life, like you have found the breath of fresh air in a room full of suffocating people. That’s how it feels, to me as well.

There’s no word I can use to try and make people understand. Sometimes, I feel that even love is not that strong of a word, not at all stronger or deeper than the emotion. Its powerful, its succumbing, its completely maddening, yet it’s the best ever. Now, when I say that I can’t imagine my life without you, its not just my dependency on you or my incapability to handle negative emotions, or my fear of the unknown, or any other immature thought. Now, when I say that I can’t imagine my life without you in it, is because you have become that, that life that I now want, the passion that I feel, the inexplicable notion that I don’t know how to deal with, or probably this is the way I would like to deal with it. This is what I need in my life, this is what I choose however many options I am given. I have always run behind freedom, wanting to fly far, far away and never having the responsibility to return, never having to force myself to make a decision unless I want to, never wanting to come back. I have always wanted that, to be a bird, small enough to not be noticed by anyone, yet strong enough to be able to withstand the storm. A bird that does not make nest because it does not stay at one place, perhaps that is why I have never thought of settling down because I didn’t want monotonous, boring and routine life. You didn’t know that you had made sky the home, that it doesn’t need to find a place. And if it would still like to come back, you have made a permanent residence for her, without realizing.

You know you have made me realize that there is nothing routine, in every sense of the word, or boring or monotonous with you. It’s the opposite. You are a roller coaster ride that I would love, I would scream, I would get excited, I would be afraid, I would be thrilled, I would be worried, I would be alive, I would be all nerves, I would be shaking to the core, but wanting to still do it, as many times as I can, without changing anything. It will slowly become a bit less exhilarating or I would become habitual, I would not scream or get scared or shake anymore, but I would still want to do it, because it makes me feel as if I am on top of the world, as if I could fall yet I will come back on top. This is all how I feel about you, treasure you to the extent to not having to make a choice. However much I would love to go around the world, I would love it even more to go around with you, wherever possible. It will be okay if I may not be able to cover many places, because I would be content to go to even a few places with you. This journey of my life ahead, I would like to share with you, continue with you till sempiternity, till my last breath would allow it, till He will allow it and till you would allow it. But I know for sure that I would choose you in every lifetime and I can’t evince the reason for it, however much I try.

I have not written this to make you feel guilty or burden you with unnecessary feelings. It is not to ask you to reciprocate the same or hope for more, to convince you to marry or to force you to make decisions, it is to just let you know yet again that I feel the luckiest to have you exist in my life, and whatever happens I would want for it to continue as long as possible. What we have is something that can’t be expressed in words but I want you to know once again that whatever you give me and how much ever you can give me of yours, I accept. I do not want you to make a choice and give me 100% at any point of time. I just want you to enjoy the feeling of being loved and be yourself.

I know you always think that you love me less or that me loving you that much may not turn out good for me. But I beg to differ coz I have spent the best years of my life with you, they were best because of you and I do not demand anymore from you. Its totally your choice of how much you would like to stay involved. Perhaps, in future, if we aren’t together, I would want the reason to be because you found someone better, or you would like to live and love yourself, not because you have stopped existing. Because at the end, I would still be happy if you are happy, wherever you are. I do not know how and when it happened, that I found myself so deep in the abyss that there is no returning back. However, the surprising thing is that I don’t wish to return, I am content and happy in that abyss and would like to stay that way until its taking me with you. I love you, precious and would be there for you until the end.

From Me,

The dumb girl who clumsily fell for you, is still happily falling yet never fell deep enough to feel scared.

©passionbookworm

Killed the Little Girl

You always told me that things will be alright one day. You told me to be patient and persistent. You told me to not expect much but keep on hoping. You told me that I will get there one day, perhaps tomorrow, maybe a week or a month after, but it will happen. You told me it will be easier to get through. You told me it will be better with time. You told me that one day it will all be okay. You told me to wait, and you will come back. You told me to wait. I believed all of it; I believed you, and I’m still waiting, waiting for a moment when I will open my eyes and find you in front of me. Waiting for the second when I will get to see your smile or laugh with you at your silliest lame jokes. Still waiting for that time when I will get to hold your hand and feel the comfort of home. Waiting for that one instant when I will get to hug you tight and not let go ever. Still waiting, for I don’t know how long.

But I was naive then, a silly girl dreaming of happily ever afters. A foolish girl believing in happy endings thinking the world was good and everything would be fine. But in truth, nothing is. Nothing was ever fine, nothing can ever be. I was patient, I was persistent, I did not expect, but I hoped with everything in me, I waited for a day, a week, and a month, I waited for years to get there to that moment. I waited to see you, to see your smile, hold your hand and feel the comfort, hug you tight, keep you with me forever. After so long, and I have still been waiting. I didn’t know if this wait could ever be over but now……. looking at you so happy and at peace, holding her hand, smiling at her and starting in her eyes, under the moonlight, stealing a kiss. Looking at your expressions and how genuinely joyous you feel at the moment, I don’t understand what to think, what to believe. Should I wish for you to come back? Or should I wish for a happy ending for you, even if it is not with me? Should I be selfish to make things difficult for you, or should I just let you go, freely, benevolent, self-sacrificing, and incomplete?

You ruined it for me, you ruined it all.

You ruined all the patience, persistence, wait, and hopes, all the wishes, dreams, innocence, and naivety, you made me realize that there are things apart from the silly imaginations, apart from the senseless hopes and thoughtless thoughts. But most of all, you ruined my tranquility, you ruined for me, the moon, the night, the dark, and the light. You ruined simple things for me like smiling and holding hands, my esteem and my confidence, all that I had gathered in the past few years, what I was trying to, bit by bit, collect the pieces of my life and trying to fit altogether, you killed a trusting little girl’s faith in the world.
©passionbookworm

Love is Unannounced

Love can happen at any point in time. However much you decide you don’t want to fall in love, you still may find someone; and however much you look for the right person, you still may not find a good match for you. It does not have a date or a time frame or some kind of muhurta. It just happens, and knocks you off the ground, unexpectedly, in uncanny ways and unsuitable circumstances. Your heart won’t listen to you, it will just fall, however much you try to stop yourself from getting deeper, you still would fall, without any hope of getting a landing. You won’t know how deep it is until you reach and you won’t know what you will see there, how you will adjust, whether or not you will be able to survive, you won’t know anything. And that’s the beauty of it.

You may find love while sipping on your coffee, looking at the door, your eyes meeting the person who entered through the door just now. You may find love in a book shop where you both are so engrossed in the search for a good book that you didn’t see ahead and collided. You may find love in your best friend who knows your darkest secrets and all the bad things and still chose to be with you. You may find love right after your breakup with the wrong person, even though you are trying to avoid any sort of relationship for a long time. You may find love with your arrogant, good-for-nothing boss whom you hate with a passion because he wants you to stay late in the workplace. You may find love with your colleague with whom you spend your lunch break and weekends. You may find love with someone whom you passed by and just got a glimpse of that person in a hurry, and when you looked back, they have disappeared already. You may find love in a bar, have a one-night stand, and not recognize the next time you see other other ‘coincidently’. You may find love right when you experience an almost death situation and someone was there to take care of you. You may find love in your crush whom you have been trying to talk to for months but haven’t had enough guts. You may find love in so many crazy ways you can’t even think of. This may all sound dreamy and unrealistic, but that’s the thing – love is dreamy. It is like the best dream one could ever get the chance to see. Like finding one rare diamond among the same-looking fake ones, or trying to find a needle in the vast ocean. It is like that, and more.

Love can happen at any age, at any time, and at any pace. It can be as slow as a snail or as fast as a sailfish. It doesn’t see gender, caste, religion, race, or anything else because they don’t matter. Love is pure and nothing can change that. Hence, the next time someone says, love is bullshit, tell them they didn’t get to experience the real thing. Very few people out there are lucky to find love, even fewer are those who chose love over the world. So, when it knocks on your door and finds you in the most unbelievable situations, just remember to believe in it with all your heart and don’t let it go. Everything else will be worth it.
©passionbookworm