An Open Letter After a Long Time

To You,

With whom I intend to spend every second of every lifetime,

I haven’t written for far too long as you already know, so forgive me if this comes as too amateurish or perhaps, childish but the intentions I would like to make clear. You already know how I feel about you or how deep of an emotion you arise in me, but that’s not just it. It becomes so overwhelming, so much more emotional that I don’t know at times how to feel, what to feel, and from where to start. Its all blur, there’s no beginning or the end, its all just there, like a lump in my throat, stuck somewhere in between, not knowing how to move forward; can’t push it down, can’t pull it up. It is like a guitar hung on your wall, only you have never even heard the name of the instrument let alone play it. It is like wanting to live more and yet risking your life by sitting on the last rock down the shore during a heavy hurricane. It is like feeling a hell of a lot more without making any sense of it until that is the only emotion left in your heart. Overwhelming becomes an understatement then, because it’s a huge wave of emotions, so strong that you can’t swim out of it, however best of a swimmer you are. It’s the force of nature, the one that you can’t fight because that is how it is meant to be, that is how you are meant to be. Never a win, always a loss, yet you feel like you are on top of the world, like you don’t need anything else in life, like you have found the breath of fresh air in a room full of suffocating people. That’s how it feels, to me as well.

There’s no word I can use to try and make people understand. Sometimes, I feel that even love is not that strong of a word, not at all stronger or deeper than the emotion. Its powerful, its succumbing, its completely maddening, yet it’s the best ever. Now, when I say that I can’t imagine my life without you, its not just my dependency on you or my incapability to handle negative emotions, or my fear of the unknown, or any other immature thought. Now, when I say that I can’t imagine my life without you in it, is because you have become that, that life that I now want, the passion that I feel, the inexplicable notion that I don’t know how to deal with, or probably this is the way I would like to deal with it. This is what I need in my life, this is what I choose however many options I am given. I have always run behind freedom, wanting to fly far, far away and never having the responsibility to return, never having to force myself to make a decision unless I want to, never wanting to come back. I have always wanted that, to be a bird, small enough to not be noticed by anyone, yet strong enough to be able to withstand the storm. A bird that does not make nest because it does not stay at one place, perhaps that is why I have never thought of settling down because I didn’t want monotonous, boring and routine life. You didn’t know that you had made sky the home, that it doesn’t need to find a place. And if it would still like to come back, you have made a permanent residence for her, without realizing.

You know you have made me realize that there is nothing routine, in every sense of the word, or boring or monotonous with you. It’s the opposite. You are a roller coaster ride that I would love, I would scream, I would get excited, I would be afraid, I would be thrilled, I would be worried, I would be alive, I would be all nerves, I would be shaking to the core, but wanting to still do it, as many times as I can, without changing anything. It will slowly become a bit less exhilarating or I would become habitual, I would not scream or get scared or shake anymore, but I would still want to do it, because it makes me feel as if I am on top of the world, as if I could fall yet I will come back on top. This is all how I feel about you, treasure you to the extent to not having to make a choice. However much I would love to go around the world, I would love it even more to go around with you, wherever possible. It will be okay if I may not be able to cover many places, because I would be content to go to even a few places with you. This journey of my life ahead, I would like to share with you, continue with you till sempiternity, till my last breath would allow it, till He will allow it and till you would allow it. But I know for sure that I would choose you in every lifetime and I can’t evince the reason for it, however much I try.

I have not written this to make you feel guilty or burden you with unnecessary feelings. It is not to ask you to reciprocate the same or hope for more, to convince you to marry or to force you to make decisions, it is to just let you know yet again that I feel the luckiest to have you exist in my life, and whatever happens I would want for it to continue as long as possible. What we have is something that can’t be expressed in words but I want you to know once again that whatever you give me and how much ever you can give me of yours, I accept. I do not want you to make a choice and give me 100% at any point of time. I just want you to enjoy the feeling of being loved and be yourself.

I know you always think that you love me less or that me loving you that much may not turn out good for me. But I beg to differ coz I have spent the best years of my life with you, they were best because of you and I do not demand anymore from you. Its totally your choice of how much you would like to stay involved. Perhaps, in future, if we aren’t together, I would want the reason to be because you found someone better, or you would like to live and love yourself, not because you have stopped existing. Because at the end, I would still be happy if you are happy, wherever you are. I do not know how and when it happened, that I found myself so deep in the abyss that there is no returning back. However, the surprising thing is that I don’t wish to return, I am content and happy in that abyss and would like to stay that way until its taking me with you. I love you, precious and would be there for you until the end.

From Me,

The dumb girl who clumsily fell for you, is still happily falling yet never fell deep enough to feel scared.

©passionbookworm

Published by somewhere_isolated

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