I remember seeing you once at the river. I had run away from my house, and wanted to sit somewhere alone, cry all my pain away. The river, behind the closing of the forest was the only secret place of mine. And I used to go there whenever I would feel low. Never before, I saw another person there, so it was a surprise when I saw you sitting there, on the edge of the water, as if waiting for someone. Your shoulders were hunched and your arms held your legs as you sat there, looking at the flowing water. I remember the water being a bit violent that day, as if it understood the turmoil within my heart, and somewhere it understood your pain too. At least, I did. When I came forward, in your direction, I didn’t know where I was walking and accidentally stepped on the dry leaves which crunched beneath my feet. You heard me and craned your neck behind to see who was there to disrupt your peaceful suffering. I was so curious to see someone there, that I forgot I was walking and stood there in anticipation of your reaction. Right then and there, our eyes met. And suddenly I forgot breathing. I didn’t know what it was, or what happened. Maybe the pain held behind your eyes, the tears stuck as if not wanting to come out, and the lost twinkle of your blue orbs, struck a chord deep within my soul. Or perhaps, the painfully sweet smile on your pink lips, with a hint of curiosity, and innocence moved something deep inside my heart.
I remember giving a small smile in reply and walking towards you. I remember sitting beside you in complete silence, a comfortable silence, where my heart was drumming so fast you could have heard it over the violent water. I remember being shy for the first time and a bit nervous to look at you again whenever I felt you trying to look at me under your lashes. I remember everything about you, about the rocks laid below us, about the sound of water fall nearby, about the mild breeze letting my hair slow-dance, about the leaves swaying in some sort of secret background music. I didn’t know what it was but it was pacifying. I forgot all about my worries, I forgot my pain, for I was seeing you again and again inside my mind.
After a while, I realized you were getting up and I couldn’t help myself before uttering a little ‘Wait!’ I didn’t know why I said it but I didn’t want you to go, not so soon, not ever. I felt so embarrassed when you smiled your pretty smile again, eyes tenderly shining this time, in amusement and something else I couldn’t figure out. As I got lost in your presence again, I felt you crouching down and holding my hands. I waited with bated breath in wonder of what will happen next. And then, as if you saw the question in my eyes, or maybe you heard the rhythm of my heartbeat, you said something. I couldn’t hear you, I was so lost in trying to make my heart not come out of the rib cage then and there, I only saw your lips moving but couldn’t comprehend. You got up, your lips curving into that beautiful, bewitching smile yet again, as you waved at me and walked away.
I remember sitting there for another hour or maybe few minutes, I don’t know, waiting for you and cursing my mind to function properly so I could maybe guess what you said. Suddenly it clicked, your words repeating over and over again as if you knew I didn’t hear you the first time and you left a tape to remind me, as if you wanted me to remember every second, every word, every syllable. Your lips said, “We’ll meet again, my love.” I stilled in shock at the realization and the familiarity of your words. Yet again, I forgot breathing and my mind went blank.
For a while more, I sat there alone, wishing you to come back, wanting to relive those few moments, to see your pretty smile again. I wanted to find you, I wanted you to hold my hand again, I wanted to see you again. But I didn’t even know your name.
It was magical. It was beautiful. I didn’t know when I came back home that day but I haven’t forgotten you. I can never forget you. Its been two years now, since that day. Its been two years since I saw you, for the first and last time. These past years, so much has happened in my life. I had lost my parents, I had lost my home and I have lost almost all of me. I have been all alone trying to barely get by, trying to survive, exist. There have been many times, I missed you, mother, father, my life before. I scream, I yell, I laugh, I weep, I question if there’s anyone up above listening to me. I have lost my will to continue, and I have thought of taking my life many times. Yet, I haven’t given up.
You see, I’m still trying to be strong enough to breathe. I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. But I’ll wait. I’m willing to hold on to your memories and to your promise. I’m willing to hold on to that hope, however false it might be, for that’s the only thing I have now. You’ll probably never get to read this letter, you probably have a life somewhere, a good and happy life I hope, but I’m writing this because there’s nothing else for me to do. I hope you find a way into my life again, like last time. And I’ll hold on to this hope until my last breath.
The girl who’s still holding on to her hope of seeing you again…