I’d still be here…

Loving can hurt, Loving can hurt sometimes,
But it’s the only thing that I know
– Photograph, Ed Sheeran

We all have that time when we question ourselves, why we love so much. Why we love that person, so much so we can’t imagine our lives without them in it. We don’t want to think of any time where they might not be with us. We just think of a forever, even though we know in our minds, that forever is nothing but a beautiful illusion. Yet we dwell in that illusion because we don’t want to think about anything outside of it. We become so helpless, so needy that we find the constant need to feel them just to make sure we are still living in the semblance.

Hurt me all you want,
But I’ll still be there
To hold you when
the waves go against
Though it sets my teeth on edge
Yet, here I am
Wearing my heart on sleeve
Always wishing you’d come back
Coz I’m not leaving this home
Which you and I have created
With so much love
And so many memories
We grow altogether
Cry and then laugh together
We don’t know how long we have
But let’s make our time worthwhile
Let’s do all of that and more
And live towards our sempiternal

Oh Darling,
Hurt me all you can
But I am helpless to our love
Wish I was stronger
But I don’t care
I am holding on to my faith
I’m holding on to you
Coz loving you
Is the only thing I can do

So Darling,
Hurt me all you wish
But I’d still be here
To hold you when
you feel alone
To make you feel at home
I’d still be here
I’d still be here

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I remember seeing you once at the river. I had run away from my house, and wanted to sit somewhere alone, cry all my pain away. The river, behind the closing of the forest was the only secret place of mine. And I used to go there whenever I would feel low. Never before, I saw another person there, so it was a surprise when I saw you sitting there, on the edge of the water, as if waiting for someone. Your shoulders were hunched and your arms held your legs as you sat there, looking at the flowing water. I remember the water being a bit violent that day, as if it understood the turmoil within my heart, and somewhere it understood your pain too. At least, I did. When I came forward, in your direction, I didn’t know where I was walking and accidentally stepped on the dry leaves which crunched beneath my feet. You heard me and craned your neck behind to see who was there to disrupt your peaceful suffering. I was so curious to see someone there, that I forgot I was walking and stood there in anticipation of your reaction. Right then and there, our eyes met. And suddenly I forgot breathing. I didn’t know what it was, or what happened. Maybe the pain held behind your eyes, the tears stuck as if not wanting to come out, and the lost twinkle of your blue orbs, struck a chord deep within my soul. Or perhaps, the painfully sweet smile on your pink lips, with a hint of curiosity, and innocence moved something deep inside my heart.

I remember giving a small smile in reply and walking towards you. I remember sitting beside you in complete silence, a comfortable silence, where my heart was drumming so fast you could have heard it over the violent water. I remember being shy for the first time and a bit nervous to look at you again whenever I felt you trying to look at me under your lashes. I remember everything about you, about the rocks laid below us, about the sound of water fall nearby, about the mild breeze letting my hair slow-dance, about the leaves swaying in some sort of secret background music. I didn’t know what it was but it was pacifying. I forgot all about my worries, I forgot my pain, for I was seeing you again and again inside my mind.

After a while, I realized you were getting up and I couldn’t help myself before uttering a little ‘Wait!’ I didn’t know why I said it but I didn’t want you to go, not so soon, not ever. I felt so embarrassed when you smiled your pretty smile again, eyes tenderly shining this time, in amusement and something else I couldn’t figure out. As I got lost in your presence again, I felt you crouching down and holding my hands. I waited with bated breath in wonder of what will happen next. And then, as if you saw the question in my eyes, or maybe you heard the rhythm of my heartbeat, you said something. I couldn’t hear you, I was so lost in trying to make my heart not come out of the rib cage then and there, I only saw your lips moving but couldn’t comprehend. You got up, your lips curving into that beautiful, bewitching smile yet again, as you waved at me and walked away.

I remember sitting there for another hour or maybe few minutes, I don’t know, waiting for you and cursing my mind to function properly so I could maybe guess what you said. Suddenly it clicked, your words repeating over and over again as if you knew I didn’t hear you the first time and you left a tape to remind me, as if you wanted me to remember every second, every word, every syllable. Your lips said, “We’ll meet again, my love.” I stilled in shock at the realization and the familiarity of your words. Yet again, I forgot breathing and my mind went blank.

For a while more, I sat there alone, wishing you to come back, wanting to relive those few moments, to see your pretty smile again. I wanted to find you, I wanted you to hold my hand again, I wanted to see you again. But I didn’t even know your name.

It was magical. It was beautiful. I didn’t know when I came back home that day but I haven’t forgotten you. I can never forget you. Its been two years now, since that day. Its been two years since I saw you, for the first and last time. These past years, so much has happened in my life. I had lost my parents, I had lost my home and I have lost almost all of me. I have been all alone trying to barely get by, trying to survive, exist. There have been many times, I missed you, mother, father, my life before. I scream, I yell, I laugh, I weep, I question if there’s anyone up above listening to me. I have lost my will to continue, and I have thought of taking my life many times. Yet, I haven’t given up.

You see, I’m still trying to be strong enough to breathe. I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. But I’ll wait. I’m willing to hold on to your memories and to your promise. I’m willing to hold on to that hope, however false it might be, for that’s the only thing I have now. You’ll probably never get to read this letter, you probably have a life somewhere, a good and happy life I hope, but I’m writing this because there’s nothing else for me to do. I hope you find a way into my life again, like last time. And I’ll hold on to this hope until my last breath.

Yours hopefully,
The girl who’s still holding on to her hope of seeing you again…

What are poems?

Emily, you know poems are not just written words. They are the soft taps of reassurance for everyone that it’s okay to be imperfect, unique and misunderstood. They are the much required consolation that things will be alright. The difficult times shall end and happiness would come again. Not just comfort, they also make you believe that you are strong enough to face those difficulties now. Poems are kind of your solace. Where penning them helps you exhale your emotional chaos, reading them helps inhale motivation and comfort. They are like your closest friend who won’t leave you alone, and make you feel stronger than you currently feel.

So Emily, poems are the essence of a poet’s heart and soul. They tell you his thoughts and emotions.

They are like the first coffee of the day when you suddenly feel energized and confident to win the world over.

They are like your pillow who absorbs your tears and gives you the comfort of a hug when you feel lonely.

They are like the fragrance of mahogany trapped in its shade, when you pass by.

They are like the cherry blossoms in the spring, making you smile with just the right appearance of scenic beauty.

They are the gentle caresses of the lover’s palms, raising all sorts of goosebumps and eternal bliss.

They are the excitement of a five year old kid in a candy store, wanting everything they have coz he is having a hard time choosing.

But above all, they are the dreams amd desires of the poet along with the words of his experience

Life and Death

We hope to live another moment, another day, a month, a year and a life. We hope to achieve all our dreams and aspirations. We wish for all the different things to happen. We hope that in future, we will have money, or love, or peace, or happiness, or quietude. Many are able to accomplish most or all of their desires, many are able to make it to only a few. And then there are those who die……..sudden, early death. All fit and healthy, suddenly had an accident or a life threatening disease or just any reason, but they got to the end, even before they got the chance to live.

They wanted to travel around the world, they wanted to express their love for someone, they wanted to have a family, they wanted to learn new things, they wanted to be someone important………they all wanted to prove themselves and be proud of their accomplishments. But they didn’t get a chance to do any of that.

When one dies, people talk about how the living is suffering because their loved one died, people talk about how they could not imagine their life without someone or the other. And its true, we all have that someone we can’t imagine our life without. The living, all have different theories….. “he had everything he could ask for”, “he was so rich, he had all the money”, “oh how his loved one must have felt, poor soul”, “if he wouldn’t have done that, then maybe he would be alive and everyone would be happy now”, “if only he ever listened to his parents or elders, he could have lived a great life”, “he died shaming his family”, etc. They also have the positive thoughts about how he lived a good life or how he was lucky to have a painless death or how he did great things for public welfare.

But, people don’t talk about the one who died……..the one who died disappointed in himself. No one knows because he can’t say anymore. He can’t evince his pain, his disappointment, his dreams, his hopes and how they all had been brutally crushed due to one cruel, terrible moment. He can’t do all that even though he wanted to. People have all kinds of theories regarding all the if’s and maybe’s and should’s and shouldn’t’s but they never think about what that person has gone through.

When you see your life playing in front you, like a reel, you see all your good and bad moments, you look at all their faces in your mind, and you know that you won’t be able to escape death, not this time…….when you know your time has come, and yet, the only thing you feel is disappointment……in yourself. You feel disappointed because you don’t find your life good enough, because you couldn’t achieve things you wanted to, because you didn’t get a second chance to live, because for whatever reason, you wasted your only chance. You don’t wish to die, but you try to accept that this is it, whether you like it or not. This is it. This is the end. This is your last breath. This was your life which is now ending.

And you are desperate for another chance, you pray, you hope, you feel, you ask for whoever is listening…..to give you one another chance so that you could do it right this time, so that you could tell her you love her, that you could go sky diving and para sailing, that you could learn to cook because you always wanted to, that you could go to norway to see the aurora borealias, that you could attain your inner peace, that you could do all that and more. You cry, you try to keep your eyes open, you try to breathe, you try not to give up even when your body is unable to…….just so you could do all that and more. You promise yourself that this time if you get a chance, you would live, really live……for yourself. You would do everything you could to make it worth living.

But not everyone gets the chance. That’s the most terrifying part of death. That’s the part people are afraid of, really, even if they don’t realize. Everyone is scared of death. But truly, they are just afraid of not being able to live, not able to get a chance to live. Because at the end, it is true. “Life is not about living the safer option. Life is about living a life worth living.” ~ Rob Thier

If I got to choose my end…

If I ever had a chance
to choose my end,
I’d be floating in the water,
the waves making me smile,
as they rock me back and forth,
Lulling me to a restful sleep,
the sky would look warm,
the sun grinning at me,
telling me it’s okay,
That I won’t be all alone…

Gradually, I’d go deeper,
Explore the beauty beneath,
The water turning bluer,
Hidden from the world,
Listening to the age old mysteries
of sunk ships and secret possessions,
Satiating my curiosity,
The resplendent life inside,
Succumbing to their fate…

And eventually, I’ll reach,
The deepest, darkest pit
Within the vast entirety
Of the blue, black, abyss
Where I lay beyond the world,
In peace, happiness, and content,
Accepting the truth of life,
And pleased with the outcome…
I lay succumbing to my choice of fate…

Life and change

People change….with age, with experience, with circumstances, with people….. We all change, as life moves on, as we go ahead, embarking on different adventures and emotions. We have different roads to go to, different destinations to reach. Sometimes, the situation forces us on a particular path, irrespective of whether we wish to go there. Other times, we choose our own path, unbeknownst to the threats we may find in the way, unbeknownst to the fact that the road may or may not lead to the destination we desire to reach, the dreams we wish to fulfill and the success we hope to attain. We do not know what the future holds. No one knows it. But the way we plan our next day, a week after, a few months later, a couple of years and our whole future, its all hope…….we hope to live, we plan to live. And we definitely plan to live our lives a particular way.

But not everyone gets their wishes fulfilled. And not every time things happen the way we want them to. We all have our own tests to survive, pain to endure and problems to overcome. We find ourselves in situations and we are stuck. This was not in the plan. What to do now? We were not prepared for this. Everyone has their own set of circumstances and struggles where they can’t find a way out without altering their so called perfect dream. We all are needed to take a detour at some point in life, so that we could think better, plan better and find a better solution, for a better future.

There are many who give in when they are not able to cope up……when they can’t decide what to do next. They can’t survive in this situation and they can’t find a way out. So they give in. They lack the patience and will to fight, or perhaps they grew tired of fighting, without seeing any results. Other times, they just continue to sustain….not live, just sustain. They continue to exist, not showing any emotions, doing whatever best they could think of, at that point of time, and just get on with it. They wake up every morning, without any hopes, because they are now exhausted of hoping. They realize that hopes only hold you back, they just prove how pathetic you and your situation is. For whatever reasons, they stop hoping. They do their work of the day, eat whenever they could and sleep at night without any dreams. Because, like hope, they have also lost their faith in dreams. So they continue to exist in a particular routine.

But then, things change. Not every time it changes to good, but after a long time of existing, they have come to accept the truth. They see things happen differently. For so long, they have lived the routine that even the slightest change seems like a big one. They get a chance leave their existing life and go back……to their old life, to the life which would be related to their old one, to their old acquaintances and friends and relations. They get a chance to go back. Now, after so long, they finally have a choice – to stay the way they are right now, or move towards betterment. They are tempted to leave at first dawn, they are all packed and waiting for the minutes to go by. They couldn’t sleep. And somewhere, during their sleepless night, they come to a realization, they come to an acceptance. They need to change according to the demands of life. They need to change their way of living, they need to change their expectations from life and they need to change their perspective of life. Its not always white or black. Its not always good or bad. Sometimes, there is also a grey, which people usually don’t see. But when they do, they realize that things are fine. They are fine. As long as they have the chance to change their future, they will be fine. They are in a better place now. They are a better person now. They are not the same person they used to be. They have changed. Life has changed them. And somehow they can’t imagine themselves to go back. They feel they have moved forward with their lives and they like it here. They don’t want to change anything, not right now. Because this is how they wish to stay. They would change and mould as and when required, because its the way of life. But they won’t go back. They will move forward but would never go back. They are at peace now because they know that at the end, it will all be worth it.

Change is necessary, it teaches you great lessons, it make you realize how little you know of the world, it helps you accept and adjust, it makes you feel all times of emotions, it gives you a different kind of hope, a mature kind where you are not stuck in your forever, but you understand the importance and value of everything. Change teaches you things that you have no other way of learning and understanding. Change makes you mature, in your thoughts, in your mind, in your wisdom. Change makes you wise. And finally you embrace the change, to live further. Because what is the point of living, when you don’t let life change you?

“Life’s altered you, as it’s altered me.
What would be the point of living if we didn’t let life change us?”
– Downton Abbey

I am a sailor

I am moving
Slow, steady motion
Yet, yacht quavering
Trying to equilibrize
Standing on the deck
I see vastness
Bluish beneath
Wild blue yonder
All around
Not a soul
Voice of wind
Yet, deadly silent

Salty air, saline breath
Sonic, tidal waves
Kissing the sides of kitesurfer
Wind caressing my face
Tranquility hugging my heart

I go to the edge
Sudden stumbling of yacht
Almost death
Holding on to the railing
Erratic heart beat
I keep my stance
Eyes wide open
Trying to take in
The immenseness
Scenic horizon
Seemingly endless
Never felt before

Heart thudding
Yacht wobbling
Trying not to collapse
Gigantic, unpredictable waves
Assault of tempest
Raging sea
Fierce iciness
Frost nipping on body
Sticky and drenched
Eyes barely open
Death right here

Sun high above
Sweltering purlieu
Eyes squintched
Haunting memories
Relentless night
Standing up on the deck
Land ahoy!
Slowly making way
Securing the yacht
I reach destination

Grin on face
I turn around
Looking at the ocean
Glittering under the sun
A sight to behold
Taking in everything
Grin broadens
As I realize
I found myself
I fell in love

#writersnetwork #mirakee #wod #sea #sailorc #ceesreposts #passionbookworm
@writersnetwork @mirakee @amateurkikushi


Lately I’ve been thinking
What happened to us?
We used to be happy, together
Now we are too much apart
How this hatred has grown
Out of love as we thought us to be
How the ending took a change so
Unexpected and unbelievable to be

Lately I’ve been trying
To think of ways to amend
Not our past relationship, no
But how it ended, for worse and more
I wish to seek forgiveness
Though I know it’s not possible
And I hope you do the same
Even if it won’t make it go away pain

Lately I’ve been lost
For I know naught where to begin
Haunted by those nightmares
My day counts me till the end
Closure is what I desire
No more than I can utter a word
Coz I know I haven’t been the best
Having hurt you so we deserve

Lately I’ve realized
We’ve been both at faults
In our intense hatred for both
We’ve scarred each other for life
I hope one fine day,
That day will come soon
When we’ll be looking other in the eye
Without any negative tune


Love is home, Love is You

I remember that one time when I asked my best friend, “How do you know you’re in love? How does it feel to be in love?”. He explained his  emotions and whatever he knew about it. He told me that when we care for someone else and give them priority more than ourselves, when we want to make them happy and cater to all their needs, when we are happy to make sacrifices for them, etc. He told me how he felt when he found that special girl and how he suffered due to her leaving him behind for selfish reasons. In all honesty, I don’t know the little details what went between them so I’m no judge. But I question myself if that’s it? I mean you fall in love with someone, then things might go wrong (it could be anyone’s fault or sometimes the situation) and you are forced to leave each other and after a long, long time, you move on. Whether someone passed away, or they fell out of love losing interest, one of you were not good to the other, or any goddamn reason, you are seperated. Or a few lucky ones might also get their happily ever after. Is that going to be with everyone?

I had met someone at the time when I asked that question. Since I felt that connection between us I was confused whether I was already in love. After a couple of years now, I realize that I still can’t describe the emotion. You know, love has no definition. Its selfless yet there’re expectations. Its beautiful yet there’s pain. Its uncertain yet we plan the future in our mind, it makes us become a better version of ourselves but the loss brings our worst; its about being spiritually connected but we crave for material satiety. You can express what you feel and think its love, or you can just keep on contemplating your emotions and even after many years of togetherness still feel unsure. Coz that’s what love is – everything and nothing, all at the same time, everything you can’t think of, and nothing you could already explain. Love is strange. Love is happy. Love is pain. Love is confusing. Love is delicate. Love is harsh. Love is solace. Love is uncertain. Love is inexplicable. Love is unfathomable. Love is inevitable. Love is home. Love is You.


An Open Letter to my first crush

To the first crush of my life

You know that time when you feel that you aren’t pretty enough, you wish you were more beautiful so that you could have the guy you want. I remember when I first felt that. It was evening when I went to shop with my parents for my birthday, my 14th birthday. It has been years since I last saw you, or should I say, the only ever time I saw you. I was so young and naive, for me it was the first time I saw someone that beautiful. Your sharp jaw, flawless skin, soft pink lips, a boyish smile; you were wearing a white t-shirt, washed jeans and a green chequered shirt, exhibiting the perfect guy next door look. I was mesmerized. You looked older, around 20 years I think. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you.

The way your hair looked messy as if you have run your hands on them yet so sexy, I was tempted to run my hands on them, feel the softness of your lips against mine, you hands on my waist and just gaze at your beautiful smile. We didn’t talk but the way my eyes roamed all over the shop and then came back to you everytime, I knew I was in trouble. You ignited the feminine side in me, so much that I couldn’t focus on anything and ended up burying something I didn’t like. I was so disappointed in myself later.

You were the first person who brought a reaction out of body, you know butterflies fluttering in my stomach whenever our eyes met, and then you would smile, making my heart stop beating and I would turn all mushy inside. It was weird. I wanted a chair so that I could sit there, staring at you dreamily and no one to disturb. I wanted to stare without you knowing for I was embarrassed what you’ll think of me. You already caught me stealing glances of you many times and I was trying not to blush. The way you looked amused as if you knew what you were doing to me, and that knowing, teasing smile on your lips as if you were enjoying the fact that I couldn’t stop staring. That was your effect on me. I know it sounds creepy but in my defense I was about to turn 14, without any exposure to guys and emotions, I was so innocent, shy and stupid. You made me feel all those things which I never knew about and there I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

I was so awkward, to think about it now, its mortifying. But its fine. We didn’t meet again, nor we would ever recognize each other after all these years. You were older so you might even have a lovely family of your own. But in any case, I know that I would never forget the guy who made me blush and feel all weird for the first time, the guy who made me think of his pink inviting lips and gave me many sleepless nights, the guy who would always stay in my memories as my first crush.

P.S. You still make me smile, only the reason this time is my imbecility. I don’t remember your face that well but I know I would always laugh recalling my stupid reaction. Thank you anyways for coming into my life.

Yours truly,
That girl whom you don’t remember


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