There are certain instances in our lives that force us to contest everything that we have learned and whatever unknown we can see at the time. We question our existence – who we are, what we do, how we do it, and what could have been done to make it all better – you know, those questions where we might have multiple answers to each one, yet at the same time, we feel like we have nothing. We kinda know who we are, but we have not thought of all the details. We might not know who we want to be, or maybe we do not agree with some aspects of who we are because we hate those characteristics in others. Likewise, we would not know what we could have done better because then the scenario would be completely different, and we would not have turned out the way we did.
I read a quote once – if you could change each of your mistakes in your life or even aspects of it, you would not be the person you are today. You might be a different version of yourself, not with the same knowledge you possess now. And it hit home. In our lives, there are things that we regret and would want to do differently had we gotten the chance; however, the changes would have taught us different lessons, not the ones we have now. We may or may not have achieved the level of maturity that we hold today. And so I say this to you – the pain that you felt when your loved one died without saying goodbye or the heartbreak you felt when your ex broke up with you without any closure, when your parents or guardians neglected you because they were too busy to care or how you could not find reciprocated love after multiple failed attempts, how your siblings are really mean, not just because they took your chocolates when you were younger but because they resented you for your success or your crap of an ex-boss who only hired you to get in your pants and did not give your pay when you denied and left – these are all the things that were supposed to happen to mold you into the current version of you. And this insightful version is your best rendition so far. You have loved, you have suffered, you have struggled, you have lost, you have been pummeled by more emotions than you can count, yet you have won at least a few things in life. Because those beatings were only getting you closer to triumph, closer to life. The best part? You discerned all that, so in the end, you were not just surviving, but living. You did not lose hope.
Hope.
We all get to a point when we feel constricted like we are confined to a cramped space and will be stuck there indefinitely without any assurance of things changing for the better. We are alone in there with no one to hold out to us because they do not know how deep in the ground we are, and no one would really want to try all that hard because we do not matter. We are already on the brink of it and cannot take anymore. We are crushed and desolate as if it is the end of the world and nothing can be done now. We cannot breathe; we are suffocating to a level that may not be possible physically, yet we can feel it in the flesh, and all we want is for the torment to stop. Our chests ache, our bodies feel weak, our lives feel worthless. We think we do not deserve anything good, and that is why it is happening. It is our lowest point, a point of no return, or so it feels.
There could be any reason – loss, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, coercion, assault, etc. The physical, emotional, or mental trauma that has been left untreated for years and our tendencies like self-implied depression, self-pity, and victimization, sometimes including suicidal notes that we apprehend cause harm, yet we carry on. Why? Because it is addictive. In my previous blog – Solace in Perpetual Sadness, I mentioned how sadness can be addicting, how it makes one long for it because, at times, darkness is the only thing that makes us feel secure, safer than light; there, we have succeeded in escaping the world, and are finally away from the source of misery, even if temporarily. Other times, we might be scared in the dark because it leaves us to those thoughts pushed in the back of our mind that we try hard to not acknowledge, so we cannot elude what we wanted to escape from – us.
All the pain, despair, and troubles are not a one-time thing, or two or maybe just a few times. There is no guarantee of what will happen next, when or how. They are just questions we continually seek explanations to and never comprehend until too late because it has already transpired. However, I suppose that ‘surprise’ element, that unpredictability that people hate, is really amusing about life. It makes life more gripping, like the crime fiction you are reading where there have been as many as a hundred twists already, all unanticipated, and you barely made it halfway. You get hooked on the book because you are lost in the conspiracy of ‘what will happen next’. It is the same with life, the only disparity being we are the protagonists, so we are to endure it all.
But what is the one thing that helps us get through? A four-letter word again, plays a crucial role behind the motivation. Another expression that moves our spirits, teaches us lessons, makes us assertive, and helps us undergo formidable periods – Hope.
‘Hope is not about seeing something you want within reach — its trusting that its there when you can’t see it at all.’ I came across this quote in a book, and it was one of those moments that leaves you stunned. You assume you know it but when it looks at your face, you concede you did not.
I reckon that hope is a prerequisite to life. It is the sentiment behind our energy, choice to fight, and tenacity to live. The textbooks may differ, but in reality, I surmise the opposite of hope is defeat. Not because we failed but when we feel defeated, we do not have the inspiration to pick ourselves up. We succumb to that desperation, and it swallows us. So, I daresay, hope feeds the purpose behind our resoluteness. Without hope, we are as good as dead. Like how sunset precedes a beautiful beginning of sunrise, or the stars glimmer in the night sky, hope is the sine qua non for life.
We plan a trip with our friends for the coming weekend or think about how we want our wedding to be. We prepare a dress for tomorrow’s work event or keep adding things to our Amazon cart, envisioning we will buy them from our next salary or the one after that. Perhaps we ruminate about that one guy who will sweep us off of our feet in an unexpected whirlwind romance as it happens in the books or plan the menu ahead to get the groceries. We desire to fulfill our dreams and wishes or chalk out our retirement life. We do all that while totally aware that this night could be the last, and we might never see another sunrise. Why has it become a pattern for most of us?
Because that is what hope is. An incentive to think for the future, a place where we can dwell on something that brings us a little semblance of happiness presently – not because our wish has been fulfilled but because there is a possibility. That is Hope. A prospect for a better tomorrow. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst- they say. And that is what we do. Sometimes, the worst comes abruptly, and we might get hit with such force that we do not know if we will outlive it. That is when hope comes to the rescue. We bear the hurt because we hope the joy will follow.
So, understand the essence of hope in our lives. Whatever happens, do not lose hope. Keep trying, however hard the circumstances might be. Perhaps not today, but tomorrow, we will undoubtedly reach a different place, a more beautiful place. We will attain our pursuits, we will experience love, we will encounter heartbreak, we will mourn loss, we will uncover opportunities, we will break some, we will gain some, we will live. Because in the end, if we have hope, we are alive. We might have a chance at saving ourselves and a likelihood of loving ourselves too.
©passionbookworm
The Drunken Confessions 