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Make a Relationship Work

Have you guys ever wondered on why people have so many problems in staying married to each other? Like they marry at one point and then start talking about it the next – talking all the issues they are facing, blaming people on why they had to get married if it were an arranged marriage, and blaming each other for things not working out if they had a love marriage. Why is it so difficult to maintain a relationship? Why is it so hard to be happy together? Why do you feel suffocated or burdensome after a few years of your marriage? Why do you face these many problems in what was supposed to help you be your best?

I have seen couples who had been so much in love and very happy together for years, but things had changed once they got married. I have seen them all mushy, sticking to each other – a hold tighter than even a superglue; you look at them and be like, ‘I wish I would be lucky enough to find someone like this’, and after a few years when you look at them again and see how miserable they are, you feel discouraged to have a relationship because you still couldn’t believe how wretched your ideal couple are. You are in a constant fear that things may stop working out between the two of you too, the same way it has happened to millions before.

You see, I recently had a very interesting conversation with someone regarding this. We were sitting there, talking about general things when she suddenly told me how she was worried about her brother. When I asked her what happened, she told me how her brother is not happy with his marriage, how he is facing all the problems alone because apparently his wife thinks that he is not worth, the only reason being that he does not earn that well to let her have the freedom of spending the whole bucket on irrelevant things. On that account, she told me about another cousin of hers, who has recently separated from his wife, or let’s say his wife left him, as they were both not compatible. A middle aged man who was happy with the separation initially as he thought he got all the freedom to do everything he wants, and now that the phase is over, all that is left of him is a frustrated, lost person, not knowing what to make of life, not having an idea on what to do with the rest of the years. Both the guys had failed marriage, the only difference between both of their current situations being that one is still living with his spouse and the other isn’t. Now, I don’t know the actual story so no judgement here, but I personally would have felt better alone than being stressed out about how my spouse doesn’t understand or support me.

So we were comparing two failed marriages, one where they still live together even though they don’t like each other, and the other where they have separated and living their individual lives away from each other. Which is better I ask you, what would you prefer? If you were in this situation, would you like to stay with the person and accept their help in a couple of things they do to make your life easier as compared to all the other things they do or not, to stress you out; or would you like to stay away from the person and live in hope, wish and regret of so many things that could have been different while being frustrated and drowning in self-pity of the actual situation? Personally, I see that there are problems in both the marriages – not the fact that they don’t get along with each other but what they think and how. Either you could both be mature and try to find at least a common ground to survive in the relationship and gradually forming a sort of friendship, team-work whatever you want to call it; or you could live apart but instead of drowning in self-pity and overthinking of all the if’s and maybe’s, you could focus on the betterment of yourself as a person, and try to do something worthwhile, probably then, you won’t feel as much frustration as you feel now.

You know, the problem is, people don’t understand the true meaning of a relationship. They like each other, maybe even love, and come together to start a life. They think they are happy now so they would be the same after the next 20 or 40 years. They think being good financially and loving each other would suffice their years of togetherness. But what they fail to understand is that a relationship is much more than that. Its not just about living under the same roof, arguing about the smallest of things and bitching about it to your friends later on. People are under the impression that if they marry someone they like, they can spend the rest of their lives happily. What they don’t realize is, it is not about arranged or love marriage, its not about the partner in any relationship, its more about the individual, its more about you yourself.

I had mentioned in my previous post Love Can Never Be the Same, that if you wanted to stay committed to one person for a long time, you can do it with trust, loyalty, support, understanding and stability, even if love is not part of the equation. A relationship is like a partnership between two businesses that would cater to each other’s requirements and benefits, apart from their own. It is like a friendship between two archenemies who call truce and decide to establish a mutual understanding so that there are less problems to worry about. It is like being in a team of different people and finding a trustworthy person who is a little less different than others, so that you both could complete your work on time. Its like understanding the simple concept of you both together against the world and not you both against each other.

People need to learn the basics of how to maintain a relationship before getting in one and they need to understand throughout the course of it. It is same like being on top, its easy to get there but quite a task to maintain your position, and the key is to know how to maintain it. Its about working on your individual selves constantly so that you both could be the best version of yourselves. And it is also about being patient and accepting when the other is being their worst version. People need to understand that the true essence of being in a relationship is not living in one tent but being happy living in that. And for being happy together, you need to constantly think of the other, care about them the way you would like to be taken care of, talk to them, communicate and be honest of your feelings, emotions and everything else. It takes two to tango, you can’t always expect people to be there for you without you being there first. You can’t just say that you don’t want to stay with the other person without understanding their emotions and being true to yours.

I believe that people need to mature their thoughts as per their age and then think on what they want. Both the examples mentioned would have had a happy marriage, only if they would have truly tried for once. And when I say ‘tried’, I talk about both, equally, exclusively, loyally trying to make it work and fixing all the issues they have in their head, being open to opinions and emotions of each other, and not giving into the ego, or arrogance or any other negative emotion that prevents you from being a good person in general. Because at the end, marriage or a relationship is all about making things easier for the both of you so you can swim through the waters together, not drowning each other and blaming the world for it.

©passionbookworm

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2 thoughts on “Make a Relationship Work

  1. Cannot say I agree, understanding is not needed, exceptance is. I was not born understanding but believing. Stability is only a requirement of the found, I am lost. In your first example they have Stability, each other, in the second it sounds like he wanted understanding and found non. Both are unhappy. Not that happy is the bar. In my experience it all starts by listening to each other.

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  2. Okay, so you mean to say that you have the basic understanding of a relationship that both of you need to first listen to each other. Then I would like to point out that acceptance comes when you understand the situation – it can be either that you understand your partner’s needs or you probably understand that why your partners needs to do something (even if you don’t agree with it) or perhaps you understand that you can’t do anything about it (you don’t have a say in the matter). Either way, you are accepting whatever situation is at hand by first understanding it.

    We are all born with nothing of our own. We do not have any thoughts, judgements, choices, interests, or anything else of our own. With time, we adapt to certain kinds of thoughts, beliefs and interests according to our upbringing and what we experience in life. But in every step of the way, we accept things because we understand at least some part of the situation.

    Stability is necessary I agree, but its not the only requirement. The way you can’t eat ‘tasty’ food, if there is just one element; you need all the elements to please your tongue, the same way, you need all the aspects to have a good, healthy relationship with anyone. And anyways, if we talk about stability, then how can you be stable? Either you like the person, you know him and you are being understanding of their expectations and requirements out of your relationship, or maybe you don’t like the person, but you are both ready to form a middle ground and try to maintain whatever you have; or probably you have the understanding of the fact that he can’t change and you will have to learn how to deal with him. There can be many other scenarios and examples, but the thing is that you have an understanding, acceptance and willingness to stay. If there is no understanding, you can’t accept, and if you can’t accept, then you can’t stay. So, to maintain stability in any place, you need to have the other elements in check.

    Lastly, I believe that happy is a bar we all, probably unknowingly, set for our life. Whatever it is we are doing, we need to be able to be content or happy doing it. Same goes for a relationship. If you do not think about happiness then the situation would be that your relationship may be fine-looking for people but you are miserable in your head. If you don’t look for happy then you are adjusting; and there is a difference between ‘adjusting because you want to’ or ‘adjusting because you think you don’t have another choice’.. So, yes, happy is a hope we all have regarding everything in life. Now the question is, what you do about it?

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Silent Pariah

My Journey on the Lonely Road to Deaf Acceptance

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I write about life from my point of view, and my personal experience. I also write short fiction.

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